Shadow Boxer
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I love this little bird. She was trying to feed her young, she knew what she had to do and I was in the way. I wish I was as sure of myself as she is/was.
Miss Katie moves tomorrow to what can be described as a shit hole. I haven't seen it yet but from the description of it, shit hole sounds accurate. Cat piss soaked carpets, cigarette burns and nothing to look at out of the windows. We can't do any better than this on such short notice and the thought of my daughter living there doesn't feel good. It will get better. I'm thinking of taking my inheritance from my mum and buying Katie a house which she can then rent from me. But right now, the shit hole will have to do.
Even a house of her own will have to wait because she doesn't do well with transitions. Her behavior will probably get much worse for awhile and then improve again. She needs time to adjust and I'll need time to find a place that works with regards to staffing, buses, malls, things to look at out of the windows. Katie doesn't watch TV. She never has. She loves to look out of the window. The place she's moving out of tomorrow is on the seventeenth floor. She had a wonderful view of a huge traffic circle which gave her something to watch.
So today I feel overwhelmed. Tomorrow we will get her moved. We will make the townhouse as liveable as possible. I will find her a house. I have hope. There are things that can be fixed and I will fix them. Those that can't be fixed, I will try to accept.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Things I'm thankful for today.
A co-worker who gives me endless opportunities to practice my patience and my assertiveness skills.
A day off tomorrow to deal with Katie's imminent move.
My green beans have sprouted on my balcony.
Flowers, especially cosmos.
Friends who listen to me when I vent.
I can put on my pyjamas at 6:30 pm and relax.
A muscle relaxant to help with the tight muscles on my face from gritting my teeth, literally.
We are leaving for holidays in two weeks.
We are going HERE.
What are you thankful for today?
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Drumheller
Katie and her roommate will receive an eviction notice sometime tomorrow. Her roommate had a meltdown last Thursday night and flooded their apartment, as well as the apartments one and two floors below them. This is not the first time Katie's roommate has done this. Sigh. So now we get to find a new place for them to live.
On the upside, Katie's biopsy results came back negative. She does not have melanoma. I'm very thankful.
How was your week?
Katie and her roommate will receive an eviction notice sometime tomorrow. Her roommate had a meltdown last Thursday night and flooded their apartment, as well as the apartments one and two floors below them. This is not the first time Katie's roommate has done this. Sigh. So now we get to find a new place for them to live.
On the upside, Katie's biopsy results came back negative. She does not have melanoma. I'm very thankful.
How was your week?
Friday, May 31, 2013
My daughter's name is Katie. She will be twenty-one years old this month. Katie was born with a severe intellectual disability; she's mentally handicapped. It's not her fault, it's just the way she was born. What that means is that Katie requires someone to care for her, all of the time. Katie can't dress herself. She can't brush her teeth. She can't bathe herself. She can't cook or shop or do laundry. She must be supervised at all times because things have happened.
Katie has a lot of anxiety, like most of the world. Except Katie can't express her anxiety in a socially acceptable way. She can't go out and get drunk, or sleep with some inappropriate guy. She can't max out her credit card. And she most certainly can't tell anyone that she's anxious. Katie can't talk. So just like a two or three year old child, she acts out. She expresses herself with her behavior. She pinches people, pulls hair, head butts, bangs her head, screams, cries and throws herself on the ground.
This expression of her anxiety means that she is on medications to help control her behavior. The medications help but Katie still has problems. Last summer after she attacked me in a parking lot and attacked an elderly woman in an elevator, the decision was made to confine Katie to a wheelchair when she is in public to protect those around her. Katie can walk. She loves to run, in fact, and jumps up and down when she's excited but for now, she is confined to a wheelchair.
Katie lives with another young woman who has Down Syndrome. Her roommate also has behavioral problems and nobody wanted to live with either one of them but together they do well. They care about each other. Katie's roommate tucks Katie into bed at night and gives Katie a kiss. One time when Katie's roommate was acting out and hurting herself the police were called to intervene. Katie was upset until she could see that her roommate was ok, with her own eyes. Another night the two young women walked around their apartment, holding hands and laughing for fifteen minutes. My daughter has a friend now, something she's never had before.
Katie graduated from Queen E. High School last June. I would like for her to go to a day program, to spend time with people her own age, to have some structure to her life, to makes friends, but there are no day programs that are accepting disabled individuals like Katie right now. They're all full. So Katie goes to West Edmonton Mall and she goes to Fort Edmonton. She has to travel by DATS but she was banned from DATS for a few months because she pulled the driver's hair which meant that she could only go as far as the mall across the street from her apartment building, every day, for two months.
Katie's life is not awful. She bowls with Special Olympics which is the most awesome group of people I've ever met. She also rides with Little Bits Therapeutic Riding Association, an equally awesome group of people. Katie enjoys her life. She enjoys getting out on a bus ride. She enjoys people watching at the mall. She loves watching kids play soccer in the evenings. Katie loves her caregivers, those people who are paid to take care of her but also care about her.
And now the government of Alberta has decreed that my daughter must make do with less, although the government hasn't bothered to work out the details, or let us know about the details. It is enough for us to be told that the PDD budget will be reduced by forty million dollars. The agency that cares for my daughter has been told to cut 12% from their budget. I'm wondering how this will be accomplished and I'm wondering why this should be accomplished when there are so many other areas that could be reduced in the government that would not affect the most vulnerable in our province.
Friday, May 24, 2013
We visited Drumheller and Dinosaur Provincial Park. It was amazing, each sight more amazing than the last. And then I worked all week and tonight I'm spent. It's raining as I write, a glass of wine beside the keyboard, the big guy napping on the couch.
I've been working on my assertiveness skills all week, something which I lack, big time. When I started this job one of our managers said that my co-worker, CW, was passive-aggressive. I just chuckled and thought I knew what that meant and really, how bad can that be. These past two years have shown me what passive-aggressive really means. It means that CW arrives exactly at 7:15 every morning, or a minute or two late. She then has to go to her locker, hang up her coat and then and only then is she ready to go to work. Kinda. It means that she often says, "Oh I didn't see that" when she walks right by a patient's paperwork. It means that she has to sit every fucking time she talks to a patient, even if it's only for a few seconds. It means that she has to stop everything to do paperwork that could be done at the end of the day, slowing down the flow of patients through our department. It means that she will tell you something very mean and hurtful, because "...you should know..." It means that she will never, ever, ever accept responsibility for any of her mistakes. It means that she will mix up paperwork, misplace paperwork and generally fuck things up without every saying sorry. It means that she vibrates at times with unexpressed anger. It means that she will not communicate with her co-workers, even to the detriment of our patients. It means that she will leave little notes, blaming others for what she doesn't do herself. It means that she will moan and bitch endlessly about how she couldn't take her holidays because I was off for two weeks when my mum died, but she didn't means it that way.
She has worked in this department for fourteen years and every nurse who has ever worked with her has left. She believes she is right, no matter what, even faced with the facts that she is indeed wrong, she believes that she is right. She is not the problem, everyone else is. She is a professional victim. She is bitter and angry and will not, cannot look at herself to see where the problem lies.
And so I decided that perhaps a backbone on my part might help me, not just with CW but in all aspects of my life. It's hard. This week I had to tell CW that she needed to tell her co-workers when she went into Specials, because we didn't know where she was. She gave me stink eye and vibrated angrily. But I looked her in the eye told her what I needed from her and how I felt when she just disappeared. One small step for me.
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